Steinschmatz

Part Three: How the Turntables

“And is this what actually happened?”

The Accusator leant forward in his pond a little, wanting to get a close look at the flat face of the drybrain who was to blame for 40.000 troops missing in wetcion.

“At first, yes! We sent in the wetpods and quickly took their Apple system with little resistance, their screams only got louder as we tried taking their personal devices from them, some even resisted to the end. We then sent out squads into their mountainous regions to catch all capricorns. Took us a while, they have more legs and run much faster than the regular humans, that’s likely why they are their leaders. Then, as we were trying to locate the leadership caste of the landlords, we lost contact with the troops on the ground.”

“What do you know about what happened?”

“Swamp Admiral Ursubbuk is of the opinion my intel was bad and that we planned that whole attack wrong, but I beg to differ.”

A noticeable splash went through the wetcave, as most of the GUPA representatives swiftly turned towards the giant screen to make sure they heard correctly – not that this would help with hearing for species that mostly hear water disturbances but reflexes of this kind are the same over all the planets.

“Excuse you??!”

The Royal Dypoped Accusator leant forward even more now, glaring at the absolute tadpole of a defendant who seemed to be the only being in the whole alliance who had not gotten the message that he completely and utterly ruined a major strategic offensive all by himself. The large bubble forming over the breathing hole of the Accusator illustrated his disbelief and anger. Frank’s attorney had been pretty silent, as he had not bothered to prepare for a case with such damming evidence.

“My wettest Accusator, I am sure my defendant did not mean what he just said, I think this is more of a matter of details…“

“Oh, no, I meant it.”

The cave filled with the sounds of wet slimey earfins peaking up in curiosity. Frank – who had looked like a nervous eel just minutes earlier now seemed unphased.

“I have to advise you to…“

Frank stuck one of his toeclaws into the soundhole of his attorney, muffling him.

“Assembled GUPA representatives! Let me speak my truth!”

The Accusator looked to his left, then his right fin. The blank expressions of the other Elders on the ledge did not help him much, either. „An open and shut case.“ That’s what the general secretary had said. And now this – either that Frank guy had lost his mind or there was another embarrassment to follow for GUPA. The Accusator weighed his options and then decided to humor the defendant to make it clear to the cameras that this one Dypopedes specimen was just … shallowbrained.

“So be it. You say you can offer an explanation. Well then, you have the ear of millions right now. Enlighten us.”

The Spinnfisker on Frank’s spine was itching nervously, seemingly also unsure what to signal to the court. But Frank had learned from the humans a type of sly dishonesty unknown to any of the present waterspecies – they kept only contact with other, similarly wet species. Frank removed his toeclaw from his attorney’s soundhole and gestured at the mudholes.

“Are any of the present representatives familiar with the concept of counterintelligence?”

“We all are. Every single one of us. We learn that at school, Frank.”

The Accusator swished around in his royal mudhole a bit to get more comfortable – that Frank guy would simply make the case for him.

“And of course you are!”

Frank felt the Spinnfissker twitch again.

“So, you agree it makes no sense what the humans told me, don’t you?”

“By the grace of the deep God I do!”

“So why would they be so motivated to tell me this?”

“They are insane? A lower species with no love for the wetlands, they defile their own oceans!”

“But we were beaten by that lower species, does that add up?”

“Yes, it does! Our field agent failed to gather valid intel!”

“No! We underestimated them! They identified me immediately and carried out a disinformation campaign!”

“Do you have any proof of such a claim?”

The Accusator had regained his composure, but his reddened fins were an obvious sign of stress. Frank’s attorney was nervously picking his own soundhole.

“Would you let anyone live on YOUR waterhole? Isn’t it suspicious none of them had any kind of work? Who do they pray to in their temples, who is that DJ? Why did their central communications network not collapse? Why were the capricorns we caught 4-legged but humans are 2-legged? And most damning of all: Why did they play innocent and non-violent so much? It was a pre-planned operation to MUDDY THE WATER! The humans are much more dangerous than we thought, they are masters of betrayal! When I was there, they kept telling each other about each other, in a constant struggle for social dominance! They live and breathe betrayal! We have uncovered a very dangerous species, I am lucky to have gotten away!“

Silence. At least until the Spinnfisker on Frank’s spine fell off, cramped and clearly dead. The poor creature ‒ the whole species even ‒ existed for the undying love of truth, but confronted with human-level insanity in a matter where no clear truth or clear lie was to be detected, it had given up.

A disaster. An unmitigated disaster. Sure, that agent had been duped by the humans but… he was not in charge of the fleet, the invasion. He wasn’t in charge of anyone to be exact. And Swamp Admiral Ursubbuk had arrogantly assumed a species that only uses water to extract waste through a complicated system of pipes or ‒ even worse ‒ converted it into non-survivable toxic beverages would surely be as described by the untalented agent. And now the whole Alliance was aware of Dypopedes tactical mishap. Disastrous. The Accusator looked again at his fellow elders but they just stared ahead at the back wall of the large cave, not even at the crowd – leaving him alone with his decision and he was out of options.

The whole establishment of the Alliance had eagerly agreed to blame the untalented agent, hang him out to dry and then blast the humans with a second strike force. But they ‒ or rather he ‒ had given Frank time to speak. No one had expected the agent to make a case for himself. They had even given him the worst advocate – commonly rated 1/5 splashes on their system.

“Send me back.”

The Accusator had been lost in his own mind for a while, maybe longer than he had realized. This had given everyone in the cave time to think about the implications of this whole conversation and without any communication amongst each other, they had all felt the embarrassment of the moment keenly. And now they had all turned to look at Frank, who repeated his demand:

“Send me back”

“By the holy Foam, why would we send you back? You are the reason we are in this cave!”

Frank felt much more confident without the Spinnfissker on his back. His buddy Steven had been right – they don’t do well with insane logic.

“Oh, I admit I got outsmarted by the humans but I am still the most experienced field agent you have for this planet. I will not be made a fool again and when I return, we will know their secrets and how to hurt them.”

The silence in the cave was also rooted in the fact that no one really knew what to whisper to their neighbor anymore. It was clearly a complicated case, something the bloodthirsty crowd who had just taken the 9^th day off to see someone be sentenced to death did not expect.

“By the Gods of the tides, you can’t be serious? We have hundreds of agents standing ready who have NOT caused the death on untold numbers of our loyal soldiers!”

“Ah, but do they speak the lingo? Do they vibe with the apes? Can they handle the Sterni?”

“The what?”

“I have already seen them, how they act, how they speak. A new agent will fall for their lies again – I have seen the lie so now I can spot the truth!”

“I am not sure; we would have to convene with the council….”

SEND THE AGENT BACK!

The voice shook the cave, leaving the water in the ponds wrinkled, the dead Spinnfissker bobbing up and down next to Frank. The council never spoke directly; they just sent their common voices as one through the intercom. And their voice was the law – at least in matters of the state.

“Ah, the wisdom of the cold council! What a wonderful turn of events. Surely, their guidance will be invaluable to the success of the second invasion.”

Saved by the voice. Oh, how that old joke rang in the Accusator’s mind. And now it had happened to him. It was now on the council, not him. Still, a true fiasco for the GUPA, but not his fiasco anymore. A win was a win.

“You are hereby ordered to return to Earth and finish your mission. Failure is not an option, for you will surely be put to death if you again return without valuable information.”

“My gratitude, your honorable Accusator. I will not fail the Alliance again.”

And with that, Frank was hurriedly spirited away through the tunnels and onto the next available wetship. Oh, he could not wait to be back on Earth, because it was always an insanely sick time.

The next part „Treason Two, Electric Boogaloo“ will appear on Steinschmatz in time. Not sure what time, but in time.

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